I haven’t written for several reasons. Mainly, I wanted to have something to write about that did not just focus on how much I miss my son, Jordan. I had this idyllic notion that after we put ourselves out there with our adoption profile, then whisked off to the enchanted lands of Italy and Lebanon, we would come back home and we would receive a divine call that someone wanted us to be adoptive parents. We did receive a call. But it was just an update from our adoption liaison telling us the number of views our profile got and that they sent out a few of our printed profiles to potential mothers. Now, it has been almost two months and we continue to wait.
In the meantime, I am trying to gear up for another attempt at conception and pregnancy. And I can’t decide if it is bold and strong or just stupid. I talk to Jordan about it all the time and I get the same message back, you have to try one more time. So, that is what I am doing. But as the window for trying gets closer, the thought of losing another baby is creeping in.
To counteract the fear, I am a poster child for diversion. I’ve been changing up my workouts and actually paying attention to my fitbit. I indulged in complaining and last minute desperation as I planned and directed the Vacation Church Camp. (It was actually quite wonderful and I was sad when the week was over). I have been consciously trying to reach out to friends and connect. But it is exhausting when your introverted side conflicts with your extroverted one. Pick a side, already!! I started volunteering at the local History museum. Nothing grand just one day a week helping them upload items to their online gift shop. I garden and/or obsess about my garden, A LOT. I’ve tried to jam my head with novels. Some good: The Sparrow Sisters and the sequel The Forbidden Garden. Also, The Storied Life of A.J. Fikry and lots not so good. Speaking of not so good, I’ve been enjoying Hallmark Mystery movies, in particular one with Jewel (Fixer Upper) and one with Lori Loughlin (Garage Sale Mysteries) which I particularly enjoy. Lastly, I’ve started listed outdoor furniture on Craigslist, which has prompted an overwhelming need to declutter. Ebay you are next!
These diversions have not only distracted from the “wanting a baby now” feeling, they also help to distract me from that chunk of my heart that is missing, Jordan. I’ve been skimming by his room quickly and avoiding looking at pictures and videos. I’ve had things to do! No time to let the hurt in. But eventually. Always eventually, I have to come in to his room and lay down on the floor next to his crib and ball. I use to sit on the floor a lot with Jordan. Using my nice long legs as a platform, I would lay that beautiful baby on my semi-bent limbs and he would look around, play, sleep. Jordan on my lap, that’s the way it was. And sometimes I have to miss him. Like full on, ugly-cry-miss-him. But tomorrow…
I go back to working on the Art of Distraction. I could teach a class.