If anyone was a fan of “How I Met Your Mother” maybe you remember one of Barney Stinson’s catchphrases “Wait for it…” usually interjected between Legen- and -dary. This is the voice I hear in my head right now. Telling me to just hold on a little longer, that a change is coming.
When Jordan passed away, a chaplain visited us in the ER room. I was holding my son’s body in my arms and just balling. And the chaplain, clearly uneasy, said something to the effect of “Many families find that having another child helps them get over the loss.” Uh, what? Strangely I wasn’t angry at the time, nor am I really angry now. I just think it was a super stupid thing to say. For one thing, dude we JUST lost our child! For another, there is no way we were emotionally prepared to struggle with the unknowns of pregnancy and the worry of having another child so soon. And as Jordan’s three year memorial looms in April, I realize how hard this journey has been and how you cannot force yourself to be ready, whether that is to be a parent again or to make some other kind of change to your life. Even as I look back at our experience, last year, when we tried to conceive, versus how we are coping now, there is a vast emotional difference.
We’ve been praying for almost three years for help and for guidance and there have been definite times when I was frustrated with myself and with God. But little tweaks to my soul and to my mind were, in fact, taking place. And all those little changes needed to percolate and to simmer. And ,God-willing, in this new year we will see the fruits of those changes.
My friend sent me an brief article called “Redeeming Time and How to Wait.” by Faith Eury Cho. She writes, “The waiting season is an active season. It is not to be mistaken as as a time when nothing happens.” Then she summaries a story from Acts of the Apostles:
In Acts 1, Jesus appeared before His people after His resurrection for a period of 40 days. It’s glorious. I am sure the disciples were hyped. However, over a meal, Jesus gave them a strange command. He told them to wait, to wait in Jerusalem, and to wait for a gift. And of course, they wanted to know when and how.
To this, Jesus replied, “It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority,” (Acts 1:7). They were basically commanded to wait without knowing, without understanding.Yet, after the believers in Acts 1 diligently waited, the Lord delivered what He had promised. The Holy Spirit came, and the first church was born.”
There is a reason people say good things come to those who wait, because God has a plan and for damn sure it’s not my plan but that’s okay. Because whatever the outcome, it will be bigger and better than I could have imagined. Jordan was this explosive little gift. So, I believe the future will be blessed. It will be legen- wait for it… -dary!