I know. Where have I been? It isn’t like I haven’t had lots and lots of thoughts–I’ve had thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands even. But by the time I get a chance to write these fantastic, amazing, introspective reflections down, my brain is fried and all I want to do is shove a cookie in my face and watch Veronica Mars. So has the last couple of months gone…
I was overjoyed that January ended. The month was brutal, more so than usual. Be gone you dreaded days of frigid temperatures and darkness! February and now March have flown by and Mariana is 7 months old. Overall, the stress of her condition and the fear that have accompanied it, have eased. But there are moments. As the weather improves I am thinking about taking her out to parks and maybe for some visits, maybe more…But the worry of her catching something still permeates everything corner of our lives. Which, to be honest, really sucks. I want to push passed the anxiety but she is still having noising breathing and pretty bad GERD and reflux. The doctor says to expect an improvement around 9 months, but there is no way I can continue in the bubble as it has been. I’m just praying for guidance and faith.
I didn’t make any New Years resolutions in January. As mentioned before, January stinks. But I am ready to make some now. As inspiration I draw on the Lebanese word: Dughri. It sounds more delightful than it looks in print. It sounds more like Dig-ga-ry. Say it fast, while jutting your hand forward. Congratulations, you just told someone to keep straight. I chose that word because it is about forward motion. No more languishing in the past, worrying, worrying, worrying. Instead, here are my ambitions for the near future:
1) I want to be courageous. Not fearful that something bad will happen. 2) I want to be happy. Not sad, missing Jordan. 3) I want to be grateful. This little baby dynamo we received is so full of joy and glee. 4) I want to sleep. This one might be tougher as she is still struggling with some issues, but I want to put it out in the universe and hope God says, “Absolutely, you should sleep!”
I worked hard to create a life after Jordan passed away, and it was difficult to let the comfort of that life dissipate amid the drama of a newborn. It has taken almost 7 months to realize that that life is dead, and still longer to be excited about the blossoming of the new. I hope by putting these goals out there into the ether positive energy will swarm and wrap around our lives. I am trying to be open and receiving for a different life. The ideas stirs a little panic in my chest but I pray that God will fortify me for all the new, wonderful happenings that may arise.